Month #1
I don’t know what to say! I don’t write nearly as often as I used to, so words that capture the moment (and what I feel) don’t come as easily. Words were once a weapon I had readily available in my arsenal but they’re not so much these days.
Like LaDerra said of her moment in time, though, I am also in a period of great transition and have been for the last three years.
I received the pendant three weeks to the day that I start my masters and Ph.D. That day, I wore it as I checked things off of the new grad. student to-do list. I’m amazed by how much my life has changed since 2020, and especially since 2021 when I went back to college. From going back to college, mentally figuring myself out, leaving a 5-year relationship and dealing with that grief mostly alone, and navigating living alone for the first time as an adult, AND being single for the first time in all of my 20s, it’s mind-blowing (sometimes) that this is where I am now. Ignore the long run-on sentence. Anyway. It’s mind-blowing. I struggle with imposture syndrome, and it feels like there’s a constant tightrope that I am walking between imposture syndrome and feeling like I’m that bitch lol 🤣 very, very long story short, this is not where I expected to be at 26. I have a lot of feelings and opinions about that.
I expected to be happily married in a dual-income household, with a bachelors degree, still counseling and helping people with their recovery journey from substance use disorder. And I did everything I could to make it happen. I’m a perfectionist, I give everything my all almost 100% of the time. But here I am! Finding a new dream to chase. Continuing my education, lost, single with no potential prospects (couldn’t be further from marriage or a dual income household lmaooo I’d like to figure it out by 30 though. You can have a PhD and still be married), still navigating it all out day-by-day. I am happy and excited to begin grad school., but I am equally sad about what SHOULD have and COULD have been, even though he moved out a year and a half ago. I’m also happy to be in Baton Rouge, but sad and missing Cincinnati more than I thought I would. I miss being there so bad. I miss my apartment and my friends, even though I love the house I’m in and I’m okay with being alone.
Each decision comes with a price. I just hope that the cost I am paying right now is more than worth it. And life, as an adult, is sink or swim. I guess I’m swimming or floating. Adapting. Doing what I need to do to be happy, healthy, and fulfilled in this one life we’re given.
Sadness is inherent with change but it’s nothing that a little self-validation, plenty of wine, tears, and phone calls home can’t fix! Current coping skills: espresso, wine, never ending to-do lists, constant FaceTimes with Al Hawkins, crying, regular connection with my community, accessorizing , as many trips to Nola as possible, new hobby (checkers). Cheers to change, as heartbreaking as it is sometimes 🥂
-Alee Viola Joy, Ph.D. pending.
Alee